fuck.

300 days of Christian.

Yeah, its like that.

I swear I could slowly feel you slowly drifting away. I wish I didn’t notice I’m no longer your muse. Last night, someone at the bbq triggered an anxiety attack by mentioning your name.. why can’t I seem to shake you off? I still remember the last time I saw you and way your eyes burned right through mine. Even though its just a memory, the same feeling always comes back. There’s such a big part of you that’s not there anymore, its as if it evaporated into thin air or something. You don’t hum the same tune in my heart anymore, I don’t know who you are anymore. Are we back to square one again? Come to think about it, were not “back to square one” .. were only friends now.

I know you’ve been busy and you have a lot of work to do. I’m not saying I don’t understand you need your space. But when we talk or text.. you seem faded and monotone.

I feel completely alone now. I don’t feel your presence with me when I’m outside anymore. The memory of us is starting to appear as a fantasy in my head. I’m my own bestfriend now. I’m my own happiness and modivation too. This is exactly what you wanted, so I hope you’re happy.

You’re so comfortable with your walls up now, the way you’ve created a nest in your sorrow bothers me in ways you would never imagine.

Goyte was right when he said, “you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness” because I’ve been there. Sadness is like a warm hug, if you do nothing about it, it never goes away, opposed to happiness.. you have to keep putting your five cents in order to sustain it.

Looks like you’ve given up love and so much more for the vision you’re trying to someday make a reality. It upsets you but at the same time you’re so determined that everything you’re giving up doesn’t matter much. You feel like those things can wait. Your profession has turned into such a personal matter to you. There’s nothing wrong with these things, I mean..you’re the leader of you, these are only a few of my observations. Whether my observations are on point or not is a completely different story.

Everytime a slow song starts to play, I always have to ask if they could change it to something else or I leave the room. Everytime I hear a slow song, my mind finally calms down because I imagine myself in your arms while you sing the song to me. And that’s not right because you don’t want to be with me so it’d be crazy retarded if I let my mind continue with that imagination.

When I was at the beach, a family near us were blasting bachata. My mind automatically replayed the memory of when we last danced bachata. It was christmas night, do you remember? You held me so close to you and swayed with the music. I have never felt so at peace, in love, reassured, comfortable, needed&wanted, and happy than in that one moment. Then when that family left, another family started blasting ‘We Found Love’ by Rihanna. Every time you sang that song around me I assumed it was to me. I was convinced we found love in a hopeless place and that, to me, was enough to convince me we would get through anything. But I was wrong.

But I want to thank you for giving me so much then ripping it out of my hands. If it wasn’t for you I would have never became as strong as I am today. I learned so much about myself. One of the things I learned is, I truly do love you. But shit happens, right? Right.

I’m a sociopath when my heart is broken.

……are we really over though?

Do you miss holding me? Do you miss us?

I can’t find it in me to feel anything anymore Like right now.. I’m in a car and were blasting down the highway. All of the windows are open so you know the wind is like a thousand cold slaps. But my breathing doesn’t change and I dont shiver.

I’m running myself right into the ground. My mind is consumed by the thought of us. I’m always yelling, breaking things and crying in my head.

luminata:

Fuck all of my friends for having nice appearances, nice bodies, perfect faces
And then there’s just me… Can’t even show her face in public without breaking down… Ugly hair terrible skin low self confidence crappy body
Disliked by all..
Literally I can’t go on like this… I’ve hit such a low point and I don’t want to go on living at this point